I am really bored...and sooo tired. I am always tired, is this normal? I want to write so badly, but I'm honestly not sure what to write...I have only had diet lemonade today (5cals). I am officialy going to stop drinking *sweet* tea and eating Chinese (my two major downfalls). I'm giving them up in honor of Lent (although I'm not very religious) so for 40 days no more tea or Chinese! Its gonna be a bitch to give up, but I can.
I sound really retarded. I always go back and reread my entries and think how I sounded like such a dork.

Ack! I haven't written in FOREVER. I really should try and write more, but it seems like a waste of time since no one reads this. So much has happened recently. I got admitted into the outpatient program for eating disorders at our hospital and now I go there to talk to a psychologist every Thursday. Shes really nice! I found out (by way of my wonderous hacking skills) that my mom is trying to get me admitted into the DAY PROGRAM! Like, what the fuck!? I'm not even skinny yet! I have been maintaining my weight and it sucks, but I can't get it to drop! Why? I guess I have killed my metabolism. Oh well, I'm going to fix that soon. Here are some stats
Height: 5' 3"
Weight- 95lbs
HW- 113
LW-95
STGW- 90lbs
LTGW1- 80lbs
LTGW2- 75lbs

I'm never going to reach it, am I?
Ugh, having serious Chinese cravings right now. o_0
I hate my life, but there is nothing I can do about it!
I made an awesome Thinspiration book. I'm not done yet, but so far, it rocks. It has sooo many good pictures in it, quotes stuff like that. I think it's really going to help me get to my goal weight.

Lets see how much I, the fatty, have eaten today!
About 1 cup of teriyaki (homemade) chicken
About 1 cup of zuccini, squash and carrots (stir fry)
4 GLASSES of SWEET TEA!
I suck. :(
Now, I'm not even allowed to see my weight at the hospital anymore, although, while the doctor wasn't looking, I did. Woohoo. Well, thats it for now. Congratulations if you have managed to stay awake to read this far.

Well, this is my last entry this year! Wow, a whole year gone by already. In some ways, I'm going to miss it, in others I won't. *Sigh* This is rather depressing...
Just thought I'd write one last journal entry before 2006, so here it is! Not too exciting, huh?

-sigh- The holidays have been so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God I can't wait for them to be over! Today I ate breakfast! My mom MADE me! It was a cereal bar, 90 cals. Then, we went to a Chinese place and I overate!!!!!! Then I had 2 cookies!! At home, I had a salad, then a bite of gingerbread cookie, 3 m&ms, a tiny butterfinger and a bite of health-pizza!!!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!!!! Tomorrow- NO EATING! I CAN AND WILL RESIST MY PARENTS AND FOOD!

God I hate holidays!!!!!!!!!! I wish i could be back in school, where i only have to eat one meal a day!!! They're going to force me to eat, and i'm so so scared!!! I don't wanna!!!! I already feel so fat, heres what i had for dinner last night:
some broccoli- cals ??? Not many!
Salad: lettuce, some tomato (hardly any) raddishes? (i think, also hardly any) grilled chicken (not much!) and vinagarette dressing, thats what got me. The dressesing. i think i overused it, and I had 3 (!!) small platefuls of salad! i could just shoot myself.
Ugh... help me!!!!

Ughhh... I did it again and I am sooo disgusted with my self. I ate this little bag of waltnut with this sauce stuff, a tiny bag of caramel and walnut popcorn and i am so ashamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh well, at least since it is all gone, i can't binge on it anymore! Besides that, all i've eaten today is a slice of ham and some oragne juice. NO MORE STUPID BINGEING FOR ME!

Ah... feels so good to be empty again. Haven't eaten since lunch yesterday, which is very normal for me. What I ATE for lunch, though, wasn't. Ugh, my parents took me and the rest of our family (we had relatives visiting.) to a Chinese place. I LOVE Chinese, but I didn't want to eat sooo badly, but knew as soon as I took a bite I would keep eating. But I HAD to eat, because if I didn't A.) the parents would start monitoring me more carefully and B.) I didn't really want to make a big scene. It turns out I had about 3 fuckin' platefuls!!! Well, ok, not FULL plates, but afterwards I still felt really sick. I hate myself so bad. I did 200 sit ups on Sunday and 75 yesterday, I was too sore to do anymore. We're going rollerblading today, yay! Me and my cousin also went shopping on Friday and I wear a size 00R in jeans. I feel so fat, because I'm only 13 and that just seems HUGE to me. Oh well, soon the fat will be gone.
God, I wish so badly I could fast!!!! Its not a matter of will power, determination or disipline, its just that my parents make me eat SOMETHING everyday. Today I'm gonna see if I can skip lunch (which is normal, but I dunno if the parents will catch me not eating. I miss school soooo much- it was way easier not eating when school was in session!) and have a piece of turkey for dinner- 25 cals. This morning my mom watched as I ate breakfast, so I had to stuff, like a whole egg in my mouth and go spit it out upstairs!!! But, before I could do that, my parents wanted me to talk to them about some shoes I found. It was sooo hard talking around the stupid egg, but I did it!!! Lol. Well, hope you guys are staying strong and thinking thin! Bye!

9:43am: ZOMFG!!! I just checked my weight (even though the scale has been hidden, I found it and now consult it regularily while the parents are out.) and I weigh like 93.5 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3.5 to my short term (???) goal weight, which I should be at by like jan.24! I'm really, really happy! (But still fat) At least i didn't gain weight after eating the stupid Chinese yesterday.

Wow... its been a LONG time since i wrote last. Like a month! I was banned from the internet because i was supposedly going to "innapropriate anorexic websites." Duh! I AM going to anorexic website, but certaintly not innapropriate. I am now at like, 94- 95 pounds, but I wanna go lower!!!! I have had nothing to eat today, but I have had a lot to drink (all apple juice, though), but for some reason, i never gain weight from that. i'm totally dreading christmas dinner 2night. Its gonna be pure torture. ugh...if i eat, i'm gonna TRY to purge it bacj up, but i'm kinda scared that someone will hear me. i know it will hurt, but i'm prepared for that. i WISH so bad i had someone to talk to!!!!! god, no one ever really talks to me, i feel really...ignored, i guess. well, be back soon, i guess, even though no one is reading this.
~Manaka

Lets see, me weight is now back at 101, I'm please, but I really need it to be 90 BEFORE my birthday which is Jan, 30. Today I've had an egg so far. I like making lists. I sound like a crack whore *states all of this factually*
List

1 egg- 70 cal

Plan to eat:
1 butter cookie- 17.5 cals. *note is is NOT make out of buttter! that would be disgusting in more ways then 1.
1 Ritz cracker- 16 cals.
Hopefully that will be it, but probably not. I'm trying to stick to less then 250 calories a day- for now... I hope that should be good. Then I will lessen it and lessen it... WEll, today is looking up, at least, sorta. I have a retraded project/question sheet due on Monday and it is AT LEAST 12 pages long...and I'm going over to this girls house who I don't even like that much. Well, ok, today sux, but not as bad as yesterday (stromboli) and the day before, i unsuspectingly ate a Chicken Biscuti and it had 420 friggin calories!!! I was soo upset. But, things could be worse- yeah right. ok, well enough with my mindliss talk, bye bye!
~Mana~

OMG!!!!! I feel so depressed! I ate like 3 pieces of that Stromboli stuff, and now I'm gonna be fat, fat, FAT!! Then I went on the scale, and I'm like 102. This is so sad.... I wish i knew another anorexic person who could come over and talk with me, but there is no one in this crappy city!!!! I'm angry, going to have to seriously work out and fast if I am going to conquer this one. -sigh- This is awful and I'm afraid and seriously crying all over the keyboard.
I really need to toughen up and learn to purge, but I'm really really afraid...
Note to self- start Thinspiration Notebook.